That girl from Delhi…

Dear Diary,

“Strangers are friends we are yet to make.”  I have lost count of how many times I have heard this statement. How can it possibly be true and on the other hand why should it possibly be true! 1.2 billion People and 1.2 billion people yet to be made friends. Still we come across certain people who make us wonder and question the way universe works.

My question is that why he crossed my path. The silent rule of nature is that you should not ask questions whose answers you don’t want. Guess I made that mistake and to pen it down correctly what a beautiful mistake I did!

My life in Delhi in was not going any different from the way it goes for most Delhites. I was basically a girl from Delhi who was fighting various battles including the one where my cultural roots of a typical Amritsar girl was playing the game of “tug of war” with the other side of levis’ and Mango top (Sarojni Nagar) clad modern independent women of modern day Indralok aka Delhi.

Often I used to ask myself that will there be any major change in my life. Love changes people or so have I heard. But love was out of question for me. Reason being that, loving a man pain goes constantly hand in hand. Somehow I was not ready to go through that feeling all over again. Funny, how decisions taken by my stupid and innocent teen heart left such an obnoxious impact on my mature heart. Somehow when I think about him now, I can’t help but wonder how different my life would have been now had he not taken that decision out of anger. But why am I thinking about him now when I know he was not someone with whom I could have spent my rest of my life with. Damn! I think my first kiss that is to be blamed. There is something about that first we shared, so old yet still fresh as newly done tattoo.

Irony is a funny thing, isn’t it! Well my irony of life is that after him to fill the vacuum and to keep myself busy I got the idea of doing a job. Now I am so much into work and all that somehow the feeling of love and fluttering butterflies in my stomach has gone. World induces practicality into your veins. Bu hey I am an independent talented modern women and nothing is sexier than the combination of women and power!

Being single in a big and awesome city like Delhi has its own advantage. You can go to Connaught Place and check out hunks, you don’t have to share your food; you can flirt without any restrictions. But there is only one problem; none of these things are my cup of tea. Except that I often have this feeling that I am natural flirt. Still no matter how hard I try to convince myself that these things will make me happy, I fail.

There is yet another problem and that is that the world is unfair and I am still getting used to it. Just because you choose not to enjoy the perks of being “Single in the City” doesn’t mean that you will be spared of the side effects of being one. And I am not boasting about myself here but if you are “Single” and “Beautiful” to top it, then only Wahe Guru and Mata Rani can save you!

There is this constant battle I am fighting. Not big ones but sure they are some major ones. There is a constant endeavour 2going on inside my head. My Work is the only thing that has the capability of giving me happiness and bestowing my inner self with sense of fulfilment. That is something that defines me, a thing that I have created, something that belongs to me and gives me a sense of belonging. In this ever changing world my work, my art and my creations were the epicentre of my life.

Did I tell you about my work place? Well what to say about it, working in an advertising agency can be a real crunch. I am no feminist or associated with any women empowerment group in any way but still I am going to say this. “YOU NEED TO BE AN IRON LADY” to survive there. Funny thing about people working there is that they try desperately to prove themselves as someone who is drenched in western culture and have mind as broad as Niagara Falls. Unfortunately, just like going to school itself won’t make you a learned person, similarly wearing clothes and shoes brought off some sparkling malls can’t make you modern and westernised. These morons are the same people who will eat “Baingan bharta” at home but will update their facebook status as “enjoying smoked eggplant with sprinkled coriander powder fried in mustard oil.”
But hey! Let this not give an impression about myself as someone outdated. To put it correctly, I am someone who knows the difference between “modern” and being “westernised”. Most importantly I know the importance of keeping your feet on ground.

Being a self proclaimed introvert that I am, I somehow feel connecting to society is easier when done through facebook. Why? Well because for all the reasons it helps me avoid direct conversation with people. Also facebook is like a digital diary where I can update things I love, hate, adore or simply like and no one will or can question me. Funny thing about facebook is that you will be surprised at the fact that people actually get offended so easily and then spend the rest of their time and energy into debating it out with total strangers. Aah… “EGO”!

Can anything good happen because of facebook? Oh shit!!! I again asked a question whose answer I am not really sure I want. Too late universe already heard it. This made a laugh a little in my head. These things never happen for real; least when so many people are constantly asking questions about bigger things in life, about their existence, about their sins, their hopes and what not.
Universe has a real bad sense of humour and hilariously clumsy way of surprising you. The answer came…

Either I asked the question very late or something made me delay asking that question. The answer was already there, safe and resting in the folder of my facebook messenger. Just like his name he was going to bring light to my world. That time I didn’t know this nor did I have any clue about it.

When I first started talking to NJ, love was nowhere in the scene. As a matter of fact it is still not there. What feelings we share or much rather what feelings I have for him is different. I will explain sometime later or rather you will yourself realise what we share. So as about me talking to NJ, there was nothing special or unusual about it initially. Just regular stuff introduction and all that jazz. Hey! I just realised something, making a new friend is much like giving an interview for a job. All you need to make sure is that you both are insane on the same level and voila, Friendship activated! I think the only difference between being a friend and falling in love is that in one your angels are similar and in the latter it’s your devil that should play along well with the devil of other.

After I met or should I say started talking to NJ, nothing changed except for the fact that butterflies who once I assumed were dead, they re-spawned. It was not that he was out of the world and “OH MY GOD HE’S SO HOT” type good looking.
It was something else. Was it his chiselled jaw-lines! I so often used to imagine how beautifully in the humid summer of Karachi his sweat would crawl along those in haw where manner, as if playing join the dots with his sun burnt skin. Or maybe it was his hair, thick and long and black as night. It was much later that I realised the reason as to why I am so attracted to him. His eyes were the reason. So dark, so intense, so mystical as if it is in continuous and never ending search for a prey to cast his black magic on them.
By this time I was almost on the verge of being a lunatic. Not my fault I would say, aren’t we all the same? Dunk in the idea that love and only love can save us.  I believe that Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

Soon I learnt one thing about NJ; he was honest and often so honest that it hurts. One thing was for sure now that love is not going to happen here, he was too secretive a person to express emotions. Our demons were same but the game they played was different. What to do when our definition of love and beauty is different! Universe sent a message here for me, there is a difference between “what” we see and “how” we see something.

I continued talking to NJ, despite knowing that there is nothing more to it. Addiction maybe! But was it worth it? Often time I would look for an opportunity to text him or call him but at the same time I used to think that my clingy nature might be irritating him. Only good thing here was that I was still able to think and that was like a validation certificate to the fact that I was still not in love.

It’s not that I hated him I just disagreed with him. Remember how I once explained about how I feel for my work and art. That was the same feeling I was getting from him. You can call me crazy but do trust me when I say that somehow from deep inside my bosom I felt that he belonged with me. Not in a way that I owned him but more like how constellations belong to each other. Not attached but beautiful together, so far yet so close.

Till now I just heard from people that there are certain things that make you insane. In my case it was this “Good looking rascal”. My random thoughts were now all about him. Oh God I was turning insane and its not good or is it?? I don’t know!

I started imagining things about him and with him. Sometimes silly like given the first opportunity I’ll kidnap him and then elope with him to the valleys of Kashmir and there I will stay happily ever after with him, cooking food for him. But then if I do this I probably will have to keep him tied to a chair all his life and so I had to drop this plan.
This happened once. I saw Mougli sleeping and I couldn’t help but go and take a closer look at him. Damn! He looked so calm and peaceful. Sometimes I believe that real definition of world peace should is when everyone can sleep as peacefully and as carefree as a dog. It was when I was looking at Mougli I wondered how it would feel to sleep next to NJ. Sleep as in sleep, not sex! Mind you there’s a difference between the two. Sex is just a consolation for someone who does not understand love. What I wanted was just to lie next to him, covered with just a blanket and both of us so close that it will make even the atoms present there will become jealous. So close that I can feel the warmth of his breath, so close that I can peek inside his naked soul straight through his eyes.
I imagine hugging NJ as we lie together not in any sexual way or as an erotic experiment, but just because I think his softness would fell nice.

You know something. Universe has its own way of silently torturously killing you. NJ is one such example. On one hand I came across this person with whom I cannot possibly live with yet that same person kindled my passions so well.

This time I am not doing that mistake again. I am not asking questions whose answers I am not sure I want to know. Another reason is that this time I know most of the answers to my own questions.

Maybe he crossed my path to teach me something. That falling in love is one thing and falling in love with right person in the right way in right time and in right degree is another. Or maybe we just met so he can deliver a message for me from the universe that one should fall in love with someone who looks at you like you are some magic.

Someday I will fall in love or maybe I already have…

इक बार तो यूं होगा
थोड़ा सा सुकून होगा |
ना दिल में कसक होगी
ना सर पे जुन्नून होगा |

(Maybe someday this will happen,
peace will be upon me,
neither there will be a grudge in my heart,
nor there will be obsession in my mind.)

[ Written for a friend who betrayed her friendship and left as quickly and as silently she came to my life…what a beautiful betrayal it was !!]

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